12 Simple Tips on How to Stop Worrying, by Guest blogger Liz Hart McMillan from Patients Against Lymphoma

12 Simple Tips on How to Stop Worrying

Dedicated to Tim Mayer

“I am an old man and I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened” -  Mark Twain

The problem with too much worrying is that it spoils our day, depletes our energy, creates unnecessary stress and robs us from living an enjoyable life. It can get to be a bad habit. Since we cannot help but entertain some worries and concerns, especially if we are dealing with cancer, apply some of these tips that can help you start to regain a sense of control and overcome worries. 

1. Identify the Stinger

The first tip is to point out what causes the worry, and do some analysis of the real risk and your goals. Keeping hold of your goals is a very important element. What you want and a belief that you can obtain it has got to be bigger in your mind that what you are afraid of losing. Goals can shift or modify but they've got to be yours.

When analyzing your worry, for heaven's sake don't rely on statistics. They are not relevant to individuals and are based on OLD data. Realize that there are, as Mark Twain famously said, three categories of mendacity: lies, damned lies and statistics. Read The Median Isn't the Message  < http://cancerguide.org/median_not_msg.html > Statistical curves may be curves, but they don' tell you where you are on that curve; and they certainly don't include new treatments and changing times that will effect that curve eventually.  Statistics are a rear view mirror and you can't drive with your eyes looking behind you.  

Realize that in your worry,  you may not be assessing a situation correctly. You can find yourself engrossed, thinking about possibilities that may not happen. Identify some people, especially experts, who can help you turn your thoughts around and get you past that stinger.  Look for pole stars and inspirational thoughts to give you a different perspective. You can do this. Focus on those who have made it.  The realistic approach and analyzing the situation in totality, focusing on the positive and your goals, may help you deal with the worry more effectively. Identify the distressful and worrisome thoughts, and list down a few positive statements you can substitute when the negative, worrisome statements surface in your mind.

2. Discipline Your Thoughts

The amazing thing about our minds is that they are  capable of controlling our thoughts. You can take advantage of that by disciplining your thoughts. This technique is based on consciously issuing the command “Stop! I'm not going there" whenever you are feeling the pull of negative or worrisome thoughts. Then, try to replace the negative thoughts with more realistic and positive feelings and ideas, as above. With practice, you'll catch yourself earlier and earlier and shifting gears will become easier.

3. Remind Yourself to be Hopeful and Optimistic

Pessimism and fear are the main reasons behind  worrying. One way to stop worrying is quite simply to hope for the best. Trust in your doctor and your support systems.  And if you don't have confidence in your doctors, find a new one and start building a better support team. Having a positive attitude can do wonders, and prevent you from the getting obsessed and worried. As the same time, it is necessary to be prepared for the worst. Identify the worst case scenario, how likely is it to happen, accept the facts and then work towards improving it, with the knowledge that you have far more power than you may be giving yourself credit for. Denial is perhaps as dangerous as fear and it leaves the fear hovering in the background. Face the worst long enough to make sure you are taking adequate steps to avoid it. Identify your aces-in-the-hole. There are always options. Reach for them. Learn about clinical trials, attend workshops such as those hosted by Lymphoma Research Foundation, Cancer Connect, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, the American Cancer Society, etc. More often than not you can, "ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

4. Keep a Journal

It certainly helps to write down your worries, and tackle them one at a time. Make room in your journal to celebrate your victories and happy moments when they occur.  When writing about your concerns, the key is to view them as puzzles or problems to be solved. Break them down. Approach them concretely and simply. Plan well and have realistic expectations. Having faith in yourself can help you handle any situation. When you feel that you are worrying unnecessarily, try to distract yourself to stop worrying. Small things such as calling up a friend, cleaning the room, taking the dog for a walk, turning on some upbeat music, reading a book or watching a movie can be quite helpful. Be sure to then touch base with your journal and record your better mood and outlook. Spend as much time journaling the resolutions of problems and new, hopeful perspectives.

5. Ask the Support of Your Community

If you are currently a member of a certain community (PAL, support group, church, etc.), you can ask their support. If you aren't, then seek a community, whether it be in person or online. It can be quite beneficial to have a support group, but when talking to your friends, consciously seek to de-dramatize, to look for calming, more reasonable words to describe your situation. Understatement and humor help tremendously. Words have power. Avoid exaggerated or hyperbolic expressions. Avoid cliches and catchwords. Look for more matter of fact ways of explaining things. Keep things calm and cool. The way you internalize the situation and the way you express it to others directly affects the level of stress or worry you experience. Things really are bad enough and you can get the attention and support you need without becoming a Lifetime movie of the week. Keep it real.

6. Surround Yourself with Positive People

Find "coaches" and "cheerleaders" who can help you trust yourself more. Right now you need your A team, even if some of the members are new to you. Avoid folks who pull you down or encourage worry, even if they are close family or old and dear friends. Reduce the amount of time you spend with worriers and naysayers. And when you know you are going to see a debbie downer, plan an uplifting event immediately following or as soon after as possible. Empowerment and positivity are contagious. Seek out the buoyant and  hopeful. Negativity can be too. And it can be subtle. Don't feel guilty for benching those who drag you down. You need to spend time with uplifting supporters -- they can be in person, on the phone, online or even on television. Find a cancer mentor or buddy. Someone who's been there and made it can be a wonderful inspiration.  Imerman Angels, the Lymphoma Research Foundation, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and LIVESTRONG are great resources for matching you to a cancer buddy.

7. Meditation and Prayer

Meditation works and studies show it boosts happiness and quality of life. It also improves brain structure, building parts of your brain that foster good mood and positive outlook and reducing anxiety and worry. It is like mental weight-lifting to get emotionally "buff." Find relaxation. There are many forms of meditative practices, and you can choose one based on your need and time available. Some people also find strength in spirituality and prayer that helps them stop worrying. Both meditation and prayer can help you relax and rest. Staying rested can also help deal with situations in a better way.

8. Make a Decision. 

If you’re worrying about an unresolved personal or business issue – then it’s time to make a decision. Once you decide what to do, you can begin taking steps for the best possible outcome. An imperfect decision today is better than a perfect one tomorrow. Chances are if it isn't quite the right decision, you can change course. You are aiming for the "best" decision made with available information, not the "right" decision. There is no such thing as the "right" decision. 

9. Confront the Problem Head-On and Keep it Simple.

 It’s usually not the problem itself that is causing your worry. It’s usually the anticipation of the problem. How will others be affected or react?  Or it can be that the problem mushrooms or tumbles into another problem and another. Soon all your problems are one big, unresolvable tangle. Deal with one problem at a time and deal with it as soon as possible.  Deal with the simplest and easiest thing first.  One step, one problem at a time. If you find yourself frozen, reach out to one of your support people and ask them to help you get unstuck. If you can't find someone at that moment, get physically unstuck: walk, run, swim, go out. This can help you get mentally unstuck fairly quickly.  You'll find that if you can shift one thing, the rest might fall into place. Garrison Keillor once advised someone with problems they were avoiding that they could keep bumping their head against that wall of problems until their head ached or get a running start and burst straight through that wall to the other side. The choice is often a long, dull ache in your permanent background or a short burst of "pain" to deal with the unpleasant and get it over with.

10. Count Your Blessings.  

Things may look bleak indeed but be creative. In a quiet moment, take a small stack of 3 x 5 index cards and put one blessing in your life on each card. You have a lot to be thankful for. Look around you … We live in a beautiful world (even in winter). Name a person you're glad to know. Make a list of beautiful thoughts. A color, an image that brings you cheer. Don't let yourself stray to what you don't have or feel frustrated about. Focus on things that bring a smile to your face. Keep the stack of happy-making, grounding things that you are thankful for handy to pull out in your anxious moments. 

11. There Is No Such Thing as Control, There is Only Finesse

A lesson learned while watching surfers. They didn't make the ocean and they don't create the waves. They learn to feel them coming and ride them. Many tumbles and wipe outs occur before they, or we, gain finesse. But with practice and perseverance, we get there. We must learn to trust ourselves and have faith that we will be able to handle what happens. Form a plan of action. Well, if "A" happens, I can do this or that. Gain knowledge. You don't have to be frantic about it. Step by step remember. Reach out to the trusted sources around you, your doctors, nurses, the social services department at your medical center, PAL, Lymphoma Research Foundation, Lymphoma Association, Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, McMillan Cancer UK, National Cancer Institute, the websites of the big medical centers such as MD Anderson, Memorial Sloan Kettering, Dana-Farber, Mayo Clinic, Cleveland Clinic, Fred Hutchinson, etc. Start with one thing, one step, one wave, and you will get there.

12. Develop a Routine

When life's a muddle or in crisis, keep to a routine. Try to wake and go to bed at the same times. Keep meal times regular. Keep to a structure and a schedule as much as possible. Making life as predictable as you can will help reduce stress and conserve energy. Planning helps you feel in control. Make sure you are getting adequate rest and down time. Make sure you're including exercise and enjoyment time. Plan your days or week as if you were planning a project at work, with the same attention to detail and pride of professionalism. No one deserves your best efforts more than you. If there's too much to do for your current energy level, don't be shy, ask for help, delegate. Tell your friends, family members that you need them -- give them a specific, limited task and give them a time frame so they won't feel it as overwhelming or burdensome.  A time frame is not a deadline; it's when they can expect (for this go around) to be able to go off duty. People can't be kept on hold or on permanent stand by. you'll get more help if both the request and the duration are limited. You can make more requests later, but keep each one "bite size".

Diagnosis Update

 This blog post is a little behind, but better late than never!

Well, it's something I think I knew from the time Dr.K. called me, the results of my surgical biopsy are in. The pathology report concludes that once again the Lymphoma is back, Nodular Lymphocyte Predominate Hodgkin again this time. I was a year ago this time that I was battling this in my neck for the first time.

This however as most of you know will be my fifth battle with cancer in four years! You would think I'd be able to say it gets easier each time, but that is not the case. It actually gets a little more difficult each time, mentally , emotionally, physically more difficult. I had a lot of pain with this surgery, and rightly so, this was a major surgery just for the biopsy, NCI (National Cancer Institute) definition explains it as:

A procedure in which a tube is inserted into the chest to view the tissues and organs in the area between the lungs and between the breastbone and heart. The tube is inserted through an incision next to the breastbone. This procedure is usually used to get a tissue sample from the lymph nodes on the left side of the chest. Also called Chamberlain procedure.

My incision scar.

That I guess does explain the soreness, along with the fact that just after surgery I had been doing too much too soon!

I seen Dr. S. on the 7th of February to go over this pathology report with him. We discussed many things that day as far at what the report showed and also some treatment possibilities for me. He also discussed the spot on my right upper neck that showed up on the Gallium Scan. It is actually located just next to my right ear, which is call the Parotid lymph-node. see diagram at right.

Dr. S. is not convinced at this time that this is a cancerous lymph node but that it's more a reactive lymph node doing it's intended job, which is to gather infection. So this one will be monitored for now, and possibly a new scan to double check it if it becomes palpable.

Treatment option of choice would be Chemotherapy, however with my options becoming very limited for Chemo, he will be discussing this with Dr. S. to see if there is a regimen she can come up with for me. There is a study that shows some promise using rituximab because nodular lymphocyte-predominant Hodgkin lymphoma (NLPHL) express CD20, rituximab may be used as a nonmutagenic treatment option to avoid late toxicities in this rather indolent entity.

Right now Dr. S. is thinking radiation, he is certain he can get it with radiation. We also discussed the possibility that we might do a combination of radiation and chemotherapy. However, this is a preliminary right now, what Dr. S. is going to do is bring up my case in front of the tumor board at their meeting this week, he is also going to consult again with Dr. K. about chemo options this week as well. He said I should hear from him and be back in by the end of the week, so enough about speculation for now.

Tonight is game night! Brenda and I, along with my son Travis, and Uncle Don will be attending the Windsor Spitfires game tonight at the WFCU Center. We have tickets for one of the suite's, I had won these back in January at an event held at the WFCU Center. I was suppose to be doing another event this evening, and that was to be live on the 6pm news on /A\ Channel. I had set this up with Arms Bumanlag who is the weather man and does announcements for community events on his weather segments. This is going to be a PSA for the Windsor & Essex County Cancer Center Foundation's annual bowl-a-thon. Nancy Gibbons from the Foundation and myself were to do it along with Arms, but firstly, I forgot I had the tickets, and game time is 7:05pm and Arms does his segments at 6:15, 6:30 and 6:45pm, and these are being done outside Bowlero Lanes. The two main factors though are related to my neuropathy, and that is I could not stand that long because my feet would be in extreme pain and two, the weather for today is going to be a high of -9 Celsius which would cause even more pain in both my hands and feet. Had the shoot been indoors I most likely would have done it, but Arms being the weather man does his segments outdoors. So Nancy Gibbons will be handling the shoot with Arms. I'm sure he and I will get together at some point for a cause.   

Arms Bumanlag

So this blog entry is being shelved for now until I know more about what is going on as far as treatment options and schedule goes.


Update : Windsor lost their game to Owen Sound 6-4. We all had a fantastic time at the game in the comfort of a suite! Still waiting on news of a treatment plan as well.

So in the meantime I've arranged for Liz McMillan from Patients Against Lymphoma to do a guest article here on my blog, coming soon, so enjoy.

Love and Hugs to all no matter where you are in your journey.
Tim. xxx

A week of nothingness!

Well, after getting my hand slapped by my home nurse, I put a short leash on myself. Seems I was doing too much too soon. So to review, Had surgery on Monday, In ICU Monday night and Tuesday till dinner time, then home due to no available beds outside of ICU. I was to take it easy "for a bit" once home.

By Thursday I was starting to feel much better and decided to due my usual morning routine to the mall for coffee and walk. Walking I had decided would be only a mere fraction of what I usually walk, and that is what I did Thursday and Friday. By Friday afternoon I was quite sore and more swollen in the chest area where I had the surgery. When my nurse showed up Friday afternoon and I explained what I had done the last two days, he said I should not be walking any distance at all yet, it was too soon.

Well, after thinking about it all for a few seconds, I had to agree that it was pretty crazy that I thought I should be trying to do some walking 2 days after being released from ICU. Hey, "E" for effort right!

So, for the past week I have stayed put! No venturing out and nothing crazy, just R&R. Today (Friday) I ventured out to the mall, (just for coffee, no walking) and some running around with Brenda to do some errands she needed done. Waited in the van at all but one stop, but that was a quick one, no walking any great distance.

Sore, yeah, no more than normal this past week though and swelling is finally starting to go down. Nurse should be here today sometime, and I'm sure all will be fine. I am now basically down to the waiting game again for the results. Dr. Elalem said seven to ten days. I don't see him for a follow up till the 22nd of this month but I do see my Oncologist Dr. Schneider this coming Monday. I am hoping he will have results, but not counting on it. I know how slow this process is, been there done that.

Then, after I find out what is going on with the biopsy results, negative or positive, there is the issue of the new activity that showed up in my neck! Dr. Kanjeekal had said the results of the Gallium scan did not show activity in the nodes that were enlarged in the chest, the ones just biopsied, and it did show the activity in the neck which the C/T did not show. Yeah confusing I know, but the choice was wait a month to redo the Gallium scan or proceed with the anterior mediastinotomy to get a biopsy of the enlarge nodes.

Like I said in my previous blog post, it was a no brainer to do the biopsy. By waiting who knows what situation I'd be in three months down the road, my history with this crap is not good. So hopefully sometime on Monday I will be posting some kind of news with regards to biopsy results, or some kind of idea on how we are going to proceed and treatment options.

Nurse was here this afternoon, wound looks good and dressing can be removed and stay off at any time now, most likely tomorrow. So until Monday when I should know a little more, I pass on love and hugs to everyone in their journey's no matter where that may be.

Tim, xxx

So much for finishing the computer class.

Well, when I left you last I was preparing for surgery and going to head out to finish the last day of computer class at the library. Well, I have to inform you that did not happen. After jumping out of the shower at 8:30am, there was a message on my answering machine from the hospital. When I returned the call to the O.R. I was asked to come in now I told them I could be there by 9am, to which they replied that was good.

So much for finishing the computer class, I got dressed and Brenda and I headed straight for the hospital. After sitting there for what seemed like forever, I went and asked the nurse at the pre op nurses station what the hold up was. It was them that called me in early! Finally at around 12:00pm they took me down to the O.R. waiting coral.

After about 20 min or so the anesthetist came by to ask a few questions and asked if I had any, to which I replied, nope you've covered it all! Shortly after the nursed came and got me and wheeled me into the O.R. Slid off off my "comfy" hospital gurney onto the cold 18" wide slab in the O.R.  that is commonly referred to as the operating table. Marble slab is more of a description for it. The nurse had me put a hand on each side of the "slab" to make sure I knew where I was on it as she didn't want me to fall off. Wasn't long after that, the anesthetist told me I would start to feel drowsy soon, I looked at the clock it was 12:30pm and that's the last I remember till I came to in the recovery room.

The first thing the nurse asked me when I came to was, "what is your pain level on a scale of 1 to 10" I informed her it was 20! That was answered with a shot of morphine which lasted maybe 15 min before the pain started again, and the routine was repeated until I was able to answer somewhere in the 1 to 10 range she was looking for. Not 100% sure but I think they let Brenda in there at some point to see me.

I remember looking at the clock in the recovery room when I came to and it was now almost 3:30pm. They then wheeled me up to the ICU unit and after hooking me up to everything and getting me comfortable and asking a bunch of questions. Brenda came into the room with her mom who only stayed a few minutes in case someone else was there to see me. Only 2 visitors at a time and short visits.

It was only the next morning after being up all night with no sleep due to the pain, the noise of the ICU and my blood pressure alarm which went off every hour due to extremely low blood pressure that I finally started getting some relief. My nurse through the night would give me a shot of dillaudid followed by a shot of morphine for the quick relief till the dillaudid kicked in. This too was also the cause of the problems with the low blood pressure all night. The drugs were really just taking the "edge"' off of the pain. This was because the pain was from all of the gas they put in you to "bloat" you up during surgery to make room to move around, and there was no cure for that other that to get it out. Easier said than done but I belched most of the night to try to get rid of it.

Day two was becoming  a much better day. After Dr. Elelam came in to let me know things went well and if I felt up to it by dinner time and my chest x-ray which I was sent down for came back ok, then I could go home if I wanted to, or I could stay if they found me a bed on another floor. Well I can tell you this, there was NO WAY I was going to spend  another night  in ICU with all those bells, alarms, phones, and chatter going on. So when they informed me early afternoon there were no beds available it was adios amigos for me!

Friday: Doing well, sleeping better, able to sleep on either side now, been doing very short walks at the mall the past couple days, feeling the effects of that today so I will back off for a bit. My nurse was by this afternoon and advised the same, said I looked pale, and in pain pale. So will take a full week off. Might go stir crazy but I'll do it.

Wishing everyone well in their journey's wherever that may be.
Love and Hugs,
Tim, xxx

New Journey Beginning?

As I sit here this morning, craving my morning cup of Tim Horton's coffee with an old fashion plain donut, I can't help but wonder the outcome of my biopsy this afternoon. In the mean time I will "cope" without my coffee and donut, the latter of which I will be eliminating from the morning routine after all of this however, I will still enjoy my cup of coffee and comradeship with the morning walk gang at the mall.

The wondering about the results. There it is, the certainty of the outcome, the very thought of the word biopsy that just wants to take over your mind with every crazy thought one could fathom. Although I have been down this road TOO many times in the past, it does not get any easier. My gut has been churning for weeks with the thought of it all, and my anxiety at times through the roof. Ativan and I have had a very close relationship this past few weeks, and more so the past few days. I had to remember not to do the morning pill routine today as well. The pharmacy tech at my pats went through my prescriptions the other day and gave me a list of what I could take day of surgery, it was about half what I normally take.

I savored every sip of water with every pill this morning too. "NOTHING TO EAT OR DRINK" after midnight before surgery. Only small "SIPS" of water with my pills!!! Surgery is not till 2pm for peat sake!! You would at least think they would let you drink small amounts of water when you have to wait that long without. That is exactly why I decided to finish my computer course at the library today.
1- To keep my mind occupied prior to the long wait before surgery.
2- No food or drink in the computer lab at the library.

I sit here writing this to kill time and occupy my wandering mind as well. Although I consider this therapy in a way. A place to vent or get things off my mind, or even just to "talk" about things. Not sure how big my audience is on here, I do have a whopping 7 dedicated followers who have chosen to make themselves known by becoming official followers. There is according to my stats, many other viewers, and from many other countries as well I might add. Thank you to each of you who follow me, and for those who just stop in for a visit, consider becoming an official follower. Who knows you may even get the itch to blog.

There have been a good many of you whom have left me well wishes along with your thoughts and prayers, and I appreciate every one of them, and you. I will be up and blogging again soon, so stay tuned to find the outcome. Will the journey continue? Was this all for naught and a false alarm? Where will we go from here?

Wishing everyone well in their journey no matter what that may be.
Love and Hugs,
Tim, xxx

My how things happen in the blink of an eye!

    Seems like just yesterday I was writing about my latest medical news and ramblings, when, poof! More news.. I received a phone call yesterday morning with a NEW surgery date. My original date was the 31st Jan/11 and now I am bumped up to Monday!!  Also received another call shortly afterward that my appointment for the pre-admitting testing will be on Thursday of this week. It's all a blur, happening fast now.

Later in the afternoon I also received a phone call from my medical Oncologist, Dr. K. she just wanted to touch base with me and go over all of my test results, bone marrow test, gallium scan, and to reconfirm my conversations with the surgeon Dr. A and my radiation Oncologist, Dr. S.

As, she started to go over my gallium scan reports, I told her I was conflicted about the results. Seems the nodes we are doing the biopsy surgery on DID NOT, show activity on the scan, however there was an ever so small spot of activity on my right upper neck, just at the base of the ear. Now that was news to both of us. She, and Dr. S. have consulted about the scan results,and both feel that although the Gallium did not show activity, it would still be in my best interest to continue as planned with the biopsy on Monday. Further, they discussed this new activity and will do so again, as they are just not quite sure what to make of this entire scan result.

The alternative is to wait three months and redo the Gallium scan. Dr.K and Dr.S have concluded that was not a great idea with my history, but would leave that decision up to me, but with their recommendation to continue as planned.

So much to take in and process in a short amount of time. However, it was a no brainier for me, even though the biopsy surgery itself will be serious enough, I have to agree with their recommendation, not only because it's the best course of action to take, but my history with this, this history between Lymphoma and I goes back to 2006 and has raised it's ugly head every December since, with the exception of 2008 when again, in December, I was having my bone marrow/stem cell transplant.

Therefore, history itself dictates that I must proceed. Should this turn out only to be reactive nodes doing their intended job, then hooray!!! BUT, should it turn out that is not the case and I put it off three months, where exactly will that leave me., Right where I am?, Nodes advanced a little more in size and still growing?, Or, too far advanced for any treatment to make a difference.

So, you see, I have but that one choice that I've made to proceed, with the hopes that it is all for naught! Or, should it turn out the nodes actually are active, then we develop a treatment plan and get under way, while we are in the early stages of it all! Not really to difficult a choice after all. Stressful indeed however.

Now, that pesky little spot of activity in the right upper neck just under the ear..............

Cliff hangers, gotta love them, so stay tuned right here to "As my Stomach Churns", stress edition, AKA, My Cancer Journey!

Love and Hugs to all, to matter where you are in your journey!
Tim, xxx

Cancer Can Kiss My Ass!.......reflections.

I've had a little time to reflect on this cancer coming back for a fifth time now, and I gotta tell you, it does NOT get any easier. The news itself that Dr.K. called with was as mind numbing as it was the very first time. Although I did try to listen intently, I am sure I missed something she said, or screwed up something she said, because my mind, like the first time, was racing around. Could this be?, no, some kind of error!, just being precautions, and much more racing through my head. But, no, I heard the words clearly, "two nodes have INCREASED in size since your last scan".  Yeah, I have to admit it the tears were flowing, yes I was scared. Scared for me scared for Brenda, will I get through this one? Just how bad is it? what would be next? To put it bluntly, "Cancer can Kiss my Ass!!"

We just went through making changes in our lives that were to be for the better. I had just finished radiation again in March from a new Lymphoma in my neck. Brenda had just had a major surgery to make here life better, we moved in June, in order to set ourselves up to better afford things. And now this AGAIN!. Of course there are still all the whys, and what on earth did I do to deserve something like this. Well the answer of course is there is no why, and there's nothing I could have done to deserve this.

So, I move forward. More scans, tests, pathology results for a firm diagnosis, then treatment. Treatment, what will it be this time Chemotherapy? Radiation? both? If I were to have a choice it would be radiation! Chemo, makes you feel just plain, well, sick. It's a feeling no one would ever choose willingly, radiation on the other hand can cause a burn near the end and makes you really tired. Tired I can deal with, and burn depending on the severity I can deal with, but both? don't know haven't been there yet, and not sure I want to go there.

But although all these thoughts are "normal", the "new normal" says it's time to move beyond that and put my energy into getting well again, I will need every ounce of energy I have left in me to get through this. So I just need to concentrate on getting the testing and surgery done and find out just what the hell I'm dealing with.