Cancer Can Kiss My Ass!.......reflections.

I've had a little time to reflect on this cancer coming back for a fifth time now, and I gotta tell you, it does NOT get any easier. The news itself that Dr.K. called with was as mind numbing as it was the very first time. Although I did try to listen intently, I am sure I missed something she said, or screwed up something she said, because my mind, like the first time, was racing around. Could this be?, no, some kind of error!, just being precautions, and much more racing through my head. But, no, I heard the words clearly, "two nodes have INCREASED in size since your last scan".  Yeah, I have to admit it the tears were flowing, yes I was scared. Scared for me scared for Brenda, will I get through this one? Just how bad is it? what would be next? To put it bluntly, "Cancer can Kiss my Ass!!"

We just went through making changes in our lives that were to be for the better. I had just finished radiation again in March from a new Lymphoma in my neck. Brenda had just had a major surgery to make here life better, we moved in June, in order to set ourselves up to better afford things. And now this AGAIN!. Of course there are still all the whys, and what on earth did I do to deserve something like this. Well the answer of course is there is no why, and there's nothing I could have done to deserve this.

So, I move forward. More scans, tests, pathology results for a firm diagnosis, then treatment. Treatment, what will it be this time Chemotherapy? Radiation? both? If I were to have a choice it would be radiation! Chemo, makes you feel just plain, well, sick. It's a feeling no one would ever choose willingly, radiation on the other hand can cause a burn near the end and makes you really tired. Tired I can deal with, and burn depending on the severity I can deal with, but both? don't know haven't been there yet, and not sure I want to go there.

But although all these thoughts are "normal", the "new normal" says it's time to move beyond that and put my energy into getting well again, I will need every ounce of energy I have left in me to get through this. So I just need to concentrate on getting the testing and surgery done and find out just what the hell I'm dealing with.