So much for finishing the computer class.

Well, when I left you last I was preparing for surgery and going to head out to finish the last day of computer class at the library. Well, I have to inform you that did not happen. After jumping out of the shower at 8:30am, there was a message on my answering machine from the hospital. When I returned the call to the O.R. I was asked to come in now I told them I could be there by 9am, to which they replied that was good.

So much for finishing the computer class, I got dressed and Brenda and I headed straight for the hospital. After sitting there for what seemed like forever, I went and asked the nurse at the pre op nurses station what the hold up was. It was them that called me in early! Finally at around 12:00pm they took me down to the O.R. waiting coral.

After about 20 min or so the anesthetist came by to ask a few questions and asked if I had any, to which I replied, nope you've covered it all! Shortly after the nursed came and got me and wheeled me into the O.R. Slid off off my "comfy" hospital gurney onto the cold 18" wide slab in the O.R.  that is commonly referred to as the operating table. Marble slab is more of a description for it. The nurse had me put a hand on each side of the "slab" to make sure I knew where I was on it as she didn't want me to fall off. Wasn't long after that, the anesthetist told me I would start to feel drowsy soon, I looked at the clock it was 12:30pm and that's the last I remember till I came to in the recovery room.

The first thing the nurse asked me when I came to was, "what is your pain level on a scale of 1 to 10" I informed her it was 20! That was answered with a shot of morphine which lasted maybe 15 min before the pain started again, and the routine was repeated until I was able to answer somewhere in the 1 to 10 range she was looking for. Not 100% sure but I think they let Brenda in there at some point to see me.

I remember looking at the clock in the recovery room when I came to and it was now almost 3:30pm. They then wheeled me up to the ICU unit and after hooking me up to everything and getting me comfortable and asking a bunch of questions. Brenda came into the room with her mom who only stayed a few minutes in case someone else was there to see me. Only 2 visitors at a time and short visits.

It was only the next morning after being up all night with no sleep due to the pain, the noise of the ICU and my blood pressure alarm which went off every hour due to extremely low blood pressure that I finally started getting some relief. My nurse through the night would give me a shot of dillaudid followed by a shot of morphine for the quick relief till the dillaudid kicked in. This too was also the cause of the problems with the low blood pressure all night. The drugs were really just taking the "edge"' off of the pain. This was because the pain was from all of the gas they put in you to "bloat" you up during surgery to make room to move around, and there was no cure for that other that to get it out. Easier said than done but I belched most of the night to try to get rid of it.

Day two was becoming  a much better day. After Dr. Elelam came in to let me know things went well and if I felt up to it by dinner time and my chest x-ray which I was sent down for came back ok, then I could go home if I wanted to, or I could stay if they found me a bed on another floor. Well I can tell you this, there was NO WAY I was going to spend  another night  in ICU with all those bells, alarms, phones, and chatter going on. So when they informed me early afternoon there were no beds available it was adios amigos for me!

Friday: Doing well, sleeping better, able to sleep on either side now, been doing very short walks at the mall the past couple days, feeling the effects of that today so I will back off for a bit. My nurse was by this afternoon and advised the same, said I looked pale, and in pain pale. So will take a full week off. Might go stir crazy but I'll do it.

Wishing everyone well in their journey's wherever that may be.
Love and Hugs,
Tim, xxx

New Journey Beginning?

As I sit here this morning, craving my morning cup of Tim Horton's coffee with an old fashion plain donut, I can't help but wonder the outcome of my biopsy this afternoon. In the mean time I will "cope" without my coffee and donut, the latter of which I will be eliminating from the morning routine after all of this however, I will still enjoy my cup of coffee and comradeship with the morning walk gang at the mall.

The wondering about the results. There it is, the certainty of the outcome, the very thought of the word biopsy that just wants to take over your mind with every crazy thought one could fathom. Although I have been down this road TOO many times in the past, it does not get any easier. My gut has been churning for weeks with the thought of it all, and my anxiety at times through the roof. Ativan and I have had a very close relationship this past few weeks, and more so the past few days. I had to remember not to do the morning pill routine today as well. The pharmacy tech at my pats went through my prescriptions the other day and gave me a list of what I could take day of surgery, it was about half what I normally take.

I savored every sip of water with every pill this morning too. "NOTHING TO EAT OR DRINK" after midnight before surgery. Only small "SIPS" of water with my pills!!! Surgery is not till 2pm for peat sake!! You would at least think they would let you drink small amounts of water when you have to wait that long without. That is exactly why I decided to finish my computer course at the library today.
1- To keep my mind occupied prior to the long wait before surgery.
2- No food or drink in the computer lab at the library.

I sit here writing this to kill time and occupy my wandering mind as well. Although I consider this therapy in a way. A place to vent or get things off my mind, or even just to "talk" about things. Not sure how big my audience is on here, I do have a whopping 7 dedicated followers who have chosen to make themselves known by becoming official followers. There is according to my stats, many other viewers, and from many other countries as well I might add. Thank you to each of you who follow me, and for those who just stop in for a visit, consider becoming an official follower. Who knows you may even get the itch to blog.

There have been a good many of you whom have left me well wishes along with your thoughts and prayers, and I appreciate every one of them, and you. I will be up and blogging again soon, so stay tuned to find the outcome. Will the journey continue? Was this all for naught and a false alarm? Where will we go from here?

Wishing everyone well in their journey no matter what that may be.
Love and Hugs,
Tim, xxx

My how things happen in the blink of an eye!

    Seems like just yesterday I was writing about my latest medical news and ramblings, when, poof! More news.. I received a phone call yesterday morning with a NEW surgery date. My original date was the 31st Jan/11 and now I am bumped up to Monday!!  Also received another call shortly afterward that my appointment for the pre-admitting testing will be on Thursday of this week. It's all a blur, happening fast now.

Later in the afternoon I also received a phone call from my medical Oncologist, Dr. K. she just wanted to touch base with me and go over all of my test results, bone marrow test, gallium scan, and to reconfirm my conversations with the surgeon Dr. A and my radiation Oncologist, Dr. S.

As, she started to go over my gallium scan reports, I told her I was conflicted about the results. Seems the nodes we are doing the biopsy surgery on DID NOT, show activity on the scan, however there was an ever so small spot of activity on my right upper neck, just at the base of the ear. Now that was news to both of us. She, and Dr. S. have consulted about the scan results,and both feel that although the Gallium did not show activity, it would still be in my best interest to continue as planned with the biopsy on Monday. Further, they discussed this new activity and will do so again, as they are just not quite sure what to make of this entire scan result.

The alternative is to wait three months and redo the Gallium scan. Dr.K and Dr.S have concluded that was not a great idea with my history, but would leave that decision up to me, but with their recommendation to continue as planned.

So much to take in and process in a short amount of time. However, it was a no brainier for me, even though the biopsy surgery itself will be serious enough, I have to agree with their recommendation, not only because it's the best course of action to take, but my history with this, this history between Lymphoma and I goes back to 2006 and has raised it's ugly head every December since, with the exception of 2008 when again, in December, I was having my bone marrow/stem cell transplant.

Therefore, history itself dictates that I must proceed. Should this turn out only to be reactive nodes doing their intended job, then hooray!!! BUT, should it turn out that is not the case and I put it off three months, where exactly will that leave me., Right where I am?, Nodes advanced a little more in size and still growing?, Or, too far advanced for any treatment to make a difference.

So, you see, I have but that one choice that I've made to proceed, with the hopes that it is all for naught! Or, should it turn out the nodes actually are active, then we develop a treatment plan and get under way, while we are in the early stages of it all! Not really to difficult a choice after all. Stressful indeed however.

Now, that pesky little spot of activity in the right upper neck just under the ear..............

Cliff hangers, gotta love them, so stay tuned right here to "As my Stomach Churns", stress edition, AKA, My Cancer Journey!

Love and Hugs to all, to matter where you are in your journey!
Tim, xxx

Cancer Can Kiss My Ass!.......reflections.

I've had a little time to reflect on this cancer coming back for a fifth time now, and I gotta tell you, it does NOT get any easier. The news itself that Dr.K. called with was as mind numbing as it was the very first time. Although I did try to listen intently, I am sure I missed something she said, or screwed up something she said, because my mind, like the first time, was racing around. Could this be?, no, some kind of error!, just being precautions, and much more racing through my head. But, no, I heard the words clearly, "two nodes have INCREASED in size since your last scan".  Yeah, I have to admit it the tears were flowing, yes I was scared. Scared for me scared for Brenda, will I get through this one? Just how bad is it? what would be next? To put it bluntly, "Cancer can Kiss my Ass!!"

We just went through making changes in our lives that were to be for the better. I had just finished radiation again in March from a new Lymphoma in my neck. Brenda had just had a major surgery to make here life better, we moved in June, in order to set ourselves up to better afford things. And now this AGAIN!. Of course there are still all the whys, and what on earth did I do to deserve something like this. Well the answer of course is there is no why, and there's nothing I could have done to deserve this.

So, I move forward. More scans, tests, pathology results for a firm diagnosis, then treatment. Treatment, what will it be this time Chemotherapy? Radiation? both? If I were to have a choice it would be radiation! Chemo, makes you feel just plain, well, sick. It's a feeling no one would ever choose willingly, radiation on the other hand can cause a burn near the end and makes you really tired. Tired I can deal with, and burn depending on the severity I can deal with, but both? don't know haven't been there yet, and not sure I want to go there.

But although all these thoughts are "normal", the "new normal" says it's time to move beyond that and put my energy into getting well again, I will need every ounce of energy I have left in me to get through this. So I just need to concentrate on getting the testing and surgery done and find out just what the hell I'm dealing with.

Medical Update

Unfortunately I must inform everyone that my cancer has returned once again. I received a call Dec, 17th with the news. I held off making it public, as I didn't want to make Christmas a bummer for my friends and family, a little selfish maybe, but overall I think I made the right decision.

I was informed by my Medical Oncologist that there are two affected nodes which have increased in size since my last scan in Jan/09. The affected nodes are in the Mediastinal region behind the Thymus gland, rather deep.

My Medical Oncologist has already consulted with my Radiation Oncologist and they have concluded that there also needs to be a biopsy of the affected nodes to find out what we are dealing with. Is it the Hodgkin or Non-Hodgkin. As the nodes are deep it sounds like there might have to be a surgery to get at them for the biopsy.

I had a bone marrow biopsy done on the 23rd of December, and had a Gallium scan done today. So I am hoping to know a lot more by early next week or even sooner if that is possible, but probably not realistic.

So, time to put the gloves back on for the 5th time in 4 years and knock this crap out once and for all!

Tim, xxx